i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we're making bets on your personal life
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
