That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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