I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
