They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
