drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
