so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
