just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
