what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
