i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
