she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
sarcasm needs its own font
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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