Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
