Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
