is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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