yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
