Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
