i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
