just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
