I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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