You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
