They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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