Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
