He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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