dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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