Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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