btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
