Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
