i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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