please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
