Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
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I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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