true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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