Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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