Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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