she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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