my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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