theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
