Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
