I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
