JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
