WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
