I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
