I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
