I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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