Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
