I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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