I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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