I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
dude. I can hear the air.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
