We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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