i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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