i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.