I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children