You smell like stripper and shame
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day