Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
