I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pants are for mortals
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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