Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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