You just made me feel so damn special
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
