god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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