genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
