Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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