went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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