That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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