i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
