While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
